things i’ve been meaning to tell you: february 2016

1) I loathe paying late charges. I really, really do. I see it as an absolute failure at something so simple, and the sign of a completely disorganized life. I’m guessing that no one really enjoys paying late charges, so I take comfort that I’m not the only one out there (though it’s possible that people don’t find them quite as abhorrent as I do, which is fine, to each her own).

There is one exception to this: library overdue charges. It’s rare I can remember to return my books on time or renew them within the proper window. Why? I don’t know. Possible it’s due to (no pun intended) the fact that I go to the library multiple times in one month and check out oodles of books so they all have different due dates, and it’s not like I’m reading said checked-out books in any logical order. Anyway, the point is I have no qualms about paying library fines for overdue books. In fact, I actually feel quite good about it. I consider it my duty as an active reader living in the City of Chicago. I know part of my tax dollars goes toward funding the library, but whatever the amount actually is I’m going to argue it’s not enough. And while I could just donate directly to the Chicago Library Foundation—and I probably should, no really, I must add that to my To Do list, now that I think about it—CPL will have much better luck garnering monies from me through my lack of attention forgetfulness flagrant disregard for missing due dates.

2) HGTV always seems to be showing marathons of Flip or Flop whenever I’m at the gym, which on a scale of 1 to 10 of my HGTV preferred shows rates a Meh. I like the idea on the whole, and if I didn’t like seeing the transformation from crappy to happy, well, that would pretty much go against everything I love about HGTV. I like Tarek and Christina El Moussa, and I root for them each episode, that they’ll make a profit and won’t get totally screwed over with their latest purchase. And I truly appreciate Christina’s commitment to false eyelashes—to wear them on the daily is no joke, you guys.

But for all that is holy and decent, can someone please give these two some acting or some such type of lessons? Because their monologues to the camera are killin’ me, Smalls.

An example for you–about 8:14 seconds in when Christina starts telling–not describing, telling–the camera everything their plan.)

It’s fine when they’re being filmed going into the house. Their reactions are as genuine as possible for something that’s probably filmed three different times from four different angles. But it’s those moments when one or the other is talking directly to the camera and telling us what’s happening that irk the hell out of me. They are scripted within an inch of their lives, and the lack of emotion just, gah. It really distracts from the excitement they’ve just created in showing us the major transformation of the property.

3) I’m making a concerted effort to watch more movies, both at home and in the theatre. Swede and I love going to see movies, we just…don’t…very often. But! That’s changing–since Christmas we’ve seen The Big Short (holy God, a wonderful movie that makes you lose your faith in humanity) and Star Wars: The Force Awakens (FOMO) (kidding) (about the FOMO, not seeing the movie. We did actually see it, and it was quite good) in the theaters. And much like I keep track of books I read, I’m keeping track of movies (and documentaries) that I watch. (PS—Thank you, PBS station on Netflix, for your American Experience series helping in my efforts.) What have you seen lately that I should add to my list? (Don’t worry about me having already seen the flick—I’m notorious for having never seen many a hit movie, including, but not limited to: Die Hard [though I’ve seen Die Hard 2, for some reason], The Godfather, Anything Nominated in 2015 for Best Picture, and It’s A Wonderful Life [though I have absolutely no desire to see that one.]) (Surprisingly, I have seen a hefty portion of movies nominated for 2103 Oscars. How that happened I have no idea, but well done, me.) And if they are available on Netflix or Amazon Prime, all the better.

 

 

 

 

on spin-outs and lies

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to a party when I spun out on the Interstate.

Yes, it had been snowing. But no, the salt trucks hadn’t gotten out yet. And yes, it took me thirty minutes to go two miles.* And no, thankfully, I wasn’t going faster than 25 miles per hour. And yes, it is quite startling to find yourself perpendicularly straddling three lanes of a four-lane highway.

Thankfully neither I nor anyone else was injured when my car shimmied its way across multiple lanes. And double-thankfully I didn’t even think to panic about spinning out, though I did exhibit some confusion about taking my foot off the pedal and steering into the skid when I felt the car start to slide.

I’m not perfect.

It wasn’t until I came to a complete stop on the Tri-State—again, perpendicular to traffic—and saw headlights approaching (slowly, but approaching nonetheless) that a pearl of panic lodged in my stomach and in that moment of stress I uttered the ever-eloquent, “Oh, shit.”

I very slooooowly righted myself and continued on my way to the party without further incidence, the danger of the situation sank in the more I distanced myself, literally, from the expressway. And as often happens in moments of potential danger, it makes you think about your life, about the things that are important. You think about the things you’ve said, or haven’t said; if you’ve really been living the life you want; you know…the things that really matter.

And Interwebers, I realized I had to come clean to you. I try and be as honest as possible in my little corner of the Internets, and as I navigated the slick, snowy roads and thought about the peril I’d just endured, I realized that I must tell you the truth:

I don’t actually hate that Justin Bieber song “Sorry.”

I do, in fact, kind of enjoy it, and find it catchy.

I don’t understand the video, and I don’t think I will ever understand Justin Bieber’s hair or how a kid who looks like he should still be on the Disney Channel gets his own roast on Comedy Central, but these need not be my worry. My concern is always being myself with you, Interwebers, and not rolling my eyes and lambasting the Beebs every time my friend HO mentions how much she likes some song by him, and then blatantly sing along with “Sorry” when it comes on the car radio and no one else is around.

I’m not sorry I like “Sorry” but I am sorry I lied.

And I hope you’ll forgive me.

 

 

 

 

photo (video) friday: keep the beat

These guys were on State Street the other day, and it totally made my Friday.

Drum on, drummers.

misinterpreted lyrics, pt. II

For years I thought they were saying, “Never mind the splinters ‘cuz I’ll always be your friend….”

Which made perfect sense (to me) because you know what? Sometimes I can get cranky. And…and…splinter-y. But I still like you. So you shouldn’t mind me when I’m in a bad mood, and I won’t mind you when you’re in a bad mood. I will pay no mind to the splinters, my friends, I will pay no mind.

See? Total, perfect sense.

the truth

Over Christmas I was at Tipsy McStagger’s, enjoying a beer in the basement. Mare said, “Girl. Have I got a song for you.”

And lo! How my heart wept with joy. Finally, someone understands me! The Lemonheads understand me!

One difference, though. I never lied about being the outdoor type. I like doing outdoor activities quite  a lot, actually (see: the majority of my trip to the Land of Snow and Bears), but I have never purported to be willing to sleep in tents. I have always promoted my love of air conditioning. Ask The Swede, he’ll tell you. On our first date, which wasn’t our first date, but he likes to think it was our first date and he’s pretty so I’ll let him continue thinking that, he told me where he lived and described it as a “happy little hippie village.” In a Rain Man-like response I just started stuttering, “I don’t camp. Yeah…I…I don’t camp. I don’t camp.” Over and over for a good solid minute before The Swede looked at me oddly and said, “Okay, I won’t ever make you go camping.”

(What camping had to do with the happy little hippie village description? I think it went something like this in my faulty little noggin: hippies=tree huggers=nature=people spending time in nature without showering or sleeping with screens on their windows and oh my God I hate mosquitos and I like locked doors = I don’t camp. See? Total sense.)

Besides, Evan Dando has a point: What if there is something on TV that’s never shown again?

all bound for mu mu land

Recently  I was on The Facebook and one friend’s status update alluded to her digging through her 90s dance music and pulling out hot tunes from groups like Snap, House of Pain, TLC. And then she mentioned KLF. And I about fell out of my chair in excitement.

I have very distinct memories of playing each of these songs on repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat in my bedroom when I was somewhere around the age of 13. There was a lot of dancing going on to these songs, and by dancing, I mean hopping around my bedroom in what in my head was a very stylish, rhythmic fashion. In reality my parents were probably wondering how long it would take until I fell through the ceiling.

Awesomeness:

Ahem. Tammy Wynette. TAMMY WYNETTE DOES CLUB MUSIC!

This one was much with the hopping, let me tell you: