Me: Listen, I want to talk to you guys about something. What? No, it’s not about the lack of ham in your diets.
Me: Yes, I know your life is hard. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about. I want to talk to you about the dog.
Me: Hey, don’t get your bitch on until you hear what I have to say, okay?
Me: OKAY? Fine, don’t answer. Anyway, it’s been a year. That’s 12 months. It’s time to give up the ghost. Juniper is not going anywhere, no matter how hard you glare at her. We just celebrated her Gotcha Day a few weeks ago. She’s staying. She is a part of our family.
Me: Well, I would celebrate your respective Gotcha Days, but I don’t know when they are. I asked Swede, but he’s vague on the details. He thinks maybe January? February? Hard to say. It was many moons before my time.
Me: Yes, yes, the time when your lives were still good and all was right with the world. <rolls eyes>
Me: Well I’m sorry I don’t have any more details. Swede has a lot on his mind lately. He can’t even remember where his pants are half the time, how do you expect him to remember your Gotcha Days?
Me: You wouldn’t understand. You guys are nudists.
Me: That was a joke, guys.
Me: This is further proof that you guys have no sense of humor. Especially you, Lady Gaga Halloween Cat.
LGHC: <speaks with her eyes> I give no fucks.
Me: ANYWAY, I think you guys need to drop the attitude, stop barfing hairballs on the carpet, and Lady Gaga, stop acting like a goddamned Huffpost cat at 5:30 in the morning.
LGHC: <blink blink> Mrooww
Me: I appreciate the fact that after six years of being with Swede you have accepted me and somewhat forgiven me stealing your man. I do not appreciate, however, groping around on the floor for my glasses in the morning because you think it’s funny.
Me: And Fat Ass, if you would stop using your claws when you “play” with the dog, that would be fine.
Me: I didn’t say you had to stop slapping her around. If she wants to be afraid of you, even though she outweighs you by 192 percent, that’s fine. Just no claws.
Me: Just…be cool guys, okay? It’s a tiny condo. We need to live peacefully, in harmony.
Me: <sigh> Yeah, I know it’s too much to ask of you, too.