things i’ve been meaning to tell you: september 2015

9 Sep

1) As I mentioned previously, I’ve taken to going to the gym in the morning during the week, a development that still astounds me. But because of this, I’m now on a first-name basis with the young man who works the front desk. I was a little startled the first time he greeted me by name (HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? OH RIGHT, IT SAYS IT RIGHT THERE ON YOUR COMPUTER WHEN YOU CHECK ME IN SORRY IT’S EARLY AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE I’M WEARING PANTS), but since then I’ve come to realize that you have to band together with the people who, like you, are up before dawn, and be nice to each other, because we all need a little nicety in the morning, especially if they, like you, have animals at home who are completely disrespectful of their attempt at health.

2) The next big trend in cocktails is going to involve figs. Write that down—you read it here first, friends. And you can trust in my predictions, as Swede and I are always ahead of the curve when it comes to these things. You know how everyone is all of a sudden into gin, and special gins, and craft gins, and gin-gin-gin-gin-gin? We’ve been drinking gin for YEARS, people. My liver is one big gin balloon!

So yeah. Figs. It’s where it’s at.

3) The other week I went out to brunch with two of my friends to a delicious little restaurant called Whisk. Amazing cheesy grits, you guys. Amazing. But here’s where they lost me: Individual, cutesy little bottles of pop.

Listen, I know it’s not fashionable to harbor an addiction to pop these days. I know I would be way cooler if I called for some sort of coffee dripped through filters hand-woven by local artisans, or a tea fizzed with aromatic beads from regional hibiscus passion fruit flower farms. (It could be a thing.)

But I’m not. I don’t like coffee, and if I’m going to drink tea I prefer a simple Earl Gray or English Breakfast tea with a little milk and honey splashed in, usually while getting ready in the morning for work and eating a banana muffin. Otherwise, with my actual breakfast, no matter whether I’m standing at the kitchen counter or out to brunch, I just want a g-d diet pop, and for the love of all that is holy and decent, I’m probably going to want a refill.

Do you understand this, hipster joints? Get rid of the stupid little bottles and pony up for fountain pop.

Christ almighty, don’t make me say it twice, you cheap bastards. You’re not cool with your tiny bottles, you’re freaking annoying and simultaneously gaining my veto vote.

4) A couple months ago I mentioned that Swede and I needed new phones. I’m happy to report that around Fourth of July, after not one, not two, but three trips to the cell phone store, we purchased new phones, with a new carrier, and life has since been grand.

Except for the fact that I couldn’t hear anything when people called me. Granted, I don’t actually talk on my cell phone terribly often, but for the few times I do, it was perturbing. So I toddled over to the cell phone store on my lunch hour, and approached the nice young man standing there just waiting to help someone.

Me: “I think there’s something wrong with my phone. I only got it a month ago, and I can’t hear anything when I make phone calls.”

Nice Young Man: (takes phone, inspects it, looks at me a bit askance.) “Your screen protector is on the wrong way. It’s covering up the ear speaker.”

Me: (blink blink blink)

Nice Young Man: (blink)

Me: “It’s okay to tell your friends about this.”

5) I have made a very important and excellent discovery about myself, which is this: I will eat just about anything that is chili-flavored.

Chili-flavored Fritos? Yes.

Chili-cheese-flavored Cheez-Its before they were discontinued? Sweet Mother of God, yes.

Quinoa enchilada bake that has all the flavorings of chili? Ab. So. Lutely.

I recently made a lentil chili, and I’ll admit I was a bit hesitant about it, but once I tasted it I was pretty much ready to eat the entire container. My favorite chili will always be my mom’s recipe (though I like to substitute ground turkey for the ground beef, or use a mixture of both), but there is just something about the combination of chili powder and cumin that makes me want to dig in a spoon and call it a day. It’s just excitingly good. I’m all over it.

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