Swede and a friend got it in their heads recently that we should all get together and drink Malört.
I’m pretty sure they were drinking other adult beverages when they came to this decision, because there is no way a rational, sober person would not only come up with this idea, but also think it is one upon which he should act.
But get together we did, and the Malört was poured out, and we all did a shot and it was as terrible as you think it will be. Why someone once acted on the idea to distill liquor whose main ingredient is wormwood is beyond me, but my guess is that other adult beverages were involved in that decision as well.
If you’ve never had Malört, the best way to describe it is as a taste combination of:
- The most bitter cucumber peel you’ve ever eaten
- Acetone nail polish remover
- Aquanet hair spray
And honestly, that’s kind of handle-able. It’s the fall that will kill ya. Immediately upon swallowing the Malört you’ll feel a burn in your chest, and you’ll think, “Okay, that wasn’t quite as bad as I was expecting.” And then 90 seconds later there’s a follow up burn that you certainly weren’t expecting, and you didn’t even know it was possible for your sternum bone to spontaneously combust, but there it goes, and holy shit, should someone call an ambulance? There’s a bit of concern that your body has just imploded in revolt. Once you’re reasonably sure that you don’t need emergency help, everything does settle down. But then you’re left with a lingering, non-negotiable taste of dirty, spoiled…I don’t even know. Gym socks? Rhubarb? Soiled felt from a seat on the red line?
Chugging water doesn’t help.
Diet Pepsi doesn’t help.
The only thing that appears to help is another adult beverage, preferably one that is not foul. The only problem is that the adult beverages are what started this whole episode to begin with.
So probably your best bet is to run, if Malört is ever mentioned in your presence. Run far, far away, and don’t look back.
Just be careful that all that running doesn’t further fan the flames of your spontaneously combusting sternum.