how to: pickle vegetables and simultaneously possibly put yourself on a government watchlist

8 Aug

Though the title of this post sounds complicated, the steps are actually quite easy.

  1. Have a sister who lived in Japan for many several years, speaks Japanese and introduces you to vegetables pickled in various salts and spices all contained in a single packet bearing no English writing on it whatsoever.
  2. Demand said sister get you some of said pickle packets.
  3. Forget to retrieve said pickle packets on a visit home, thus forcing said sister to send the packets through the mail.
  4. Receive an envelope in the mail that is wrinkled and ripped and stuffed inside another envelope.
  5. Open package curiously and let granule contents fly everywhere in your haste.
  6. Give package a strange look.
  7. Look closer and realize, HOORAY! Aforementioned sister sent the aforementioned pickle packets you’d forgotten! In an envelope! That ripped! And got sent back to post office! Where they stuffed it in an envelope and forwarded it to you! And probably called authorities and were like, “Um, yeah, the girl in that apartment is receiving powder packets with foreign handwriting in the mail. That’s fuckin’ weird. Keep an eye on her.”
  8. Slice up cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes or whatever veggie you so choose and put it in bowl.
  9. Dump the contents of the pickle packet on top of the veggies.
  10. Do the hokey pokey and shake it all about.
  11. The container of veggies, not your ass.
  12. But you can shake your ass, too, if that’s what you like.
  13. Really, you can do both.
  14. Actually, you should do both.
  15. Let the veggies stew in the pickle packet contents for at least 30 minutes.
  16. Continue shaking your ass.
  17.  Grab a fork and dig into the veggies.
  18. Share with your local mail carrier.

5 Responses to “how to: pickle vegetables and simultaneously possibly put yourself on a government watchlist”

  1. The Swede August 8, 2011 at 11:47 AM #

    Those are good pickles!

  2. Solitary Diner August 8, 2011 at 9:07 PM #

    Who knew pickling vegetables could be so dangerous to homeland security.

  3. Lori Lavender Luz August 9, 2011 at 10:04 AM #

    Sugoi! I used to love such things when I lived in Japan. I never thought about sending some to my enemies,just to stir up trouble for them. Or about teaching my students the hokey pokey.

  4. Camels & Chocolate August 9, 2011 at 10:36 AM #

    HAA! This kills me. Scott actually orders fermented tea leaves from Burma (via the UK since Burma can’t ship to the US because of all that political junk) to make the most amazing tea leaf salad ever, so I’m sure the contents of those packages go through quite the inspection process =)

  5. Kristin August 9, 2011 at 10:34 PM #

    Very funny…where can I order some of those to stir up some trouble?

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