Should your friend Cassie ever convince you that participating in a Muddy Buddy is a good idea, here are a few things to keep in mind (in no particular order):
- A 4:30 a.m. wakeup-call is unnecessary and causes much consternation, particularly because neither you nor your friend Cassie set up the call.
- Running through a field is fucking hard. Way harder than running on pavement.
- Biking through a field is fucking hard. Way harder than biking on pavement. Particularly if your bike seat keeps falling down when you hit the smallest of cow-patty bumps, and you have to pedal the bike hunched over with your knees up to your ears, in a horrific caricature of the Wicked Witch of the West.
- If you’re going to participate in a Muddy Buddy, your friend Cassie should probably have some mad phat McGuyver skills in order to attach a water bottle to your bike using zip cords. The water bottle that you purchased at Target the night before because THE RULES SAID YOU MUST HAVE A WATER BOTTLE ON YOUR BIKE OR YOU WILL DIE. But then the rules were a bunch of assholes BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CHECKED TO SEE IF YOU HAD A WATER BOTTLE OR IF YOU WERE DEAD.
- Mud smells. And not prettily.
- You will get mud up your nose. You won’t be sure how, exactly, but there it is. It may have something to do with the army crawl through a mud pit, but really, can you be sure? You just ran and biked six miles through the country.
- Also: in your nails, your ears, your hair, but not your eyes, because you remembered to wear stylish sunglasses.
- PS—don’t forget to wear stylish sunglasses.
- On the third leg, after you managed to haul your ass over an inflatable military assault with help from the kindness of strangers cheerleader-stunting you up and over, and as you are desperately trying to get your speed up from more-than-a-quick-walk, you will curse everyone and everything, including that clump of mud, that blade of grass over there, and that tree to your left? CAN SUCK IT.
- It’s all worth it. Every. Last. Bit. And you’ll want to do it again next year.
- But not until after you eat an enormous omelet to celebrate.
ALSO: I’m guest-posting over at Dragondreamer’s Lair today. Come check it out!