training report part II: in letters

13 Jun

Dear Treadmill,

I own you. Well, technically the gym owns you, but I dominated you. Because you? You are a machine. And I have opposable thumbs.

Love,

Molly

 

Dear Makers of Blue Moon,

Why must you thwart my plans for a long run through my beautiful, tree-lined campus the other weekend by making your product so delicious that I must purchase a second pitcher? Why do you hate me, makers of Blue Moon? Why don’t you want me to succeed? WHY CAN’T YOU MAKE SHITTY TASTING BEER LIKE MILWAUKEE’S BEAST?

The Beast wants me to succeed in my training.

I always new Milwaukee loved me best.

Drink up, Johnny,

Molly

 

Dear Menstrual Cramps,

Knock that shit off.

–Molly

 

Dear Guy at Gym,

I’m pretty sure you devise your workouts around an audience you think is watching you, eyes glued to your every move. That is why you toss your weight lifting gloves at the hooks on the machine like you’re playing ring toss, and then act all “Awww, MAN!” when you miss.

Which is every time.

And why you pull yourself up on the pull-up bar, flip yourself over and do inverted stomach crunches while upside down. Which, BTW, makes me very nervous, because I’m afraid you’re going to lose your grip and land on your neck.

But what you clearly don’t realize is that no one is watching you. No one is viewing your ring tossing and Cirque de Soleil ways.

Well, except me.

So…fine. Someone is watching you. But don’t expect me to give you a round of applause. That would require me attempting the stair climber sans hands to clap for you, and I can barely keep myself from tumbling off on a good day.

Love,

Molly

 

Dear Lakefront Path,

I love you. You make Lake Michigan look so sparkly and lovely in the morning, even though I know in reality it is ass-cold and not fit for swimming.

Don’t you go changing,

Molly

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2 Responses to “training report part II: in letters”

  1. Steph June 13, 2011 at 11:16 AM #

    Dear Chicago,

    I don’t know what type of supercity powers you hold (because, really, you can’t have superhuman powers), but the effect you have on Molly is fantastic. Her already-was-fabulous writing skills have only become even more fabulous since her move. Keep up the good work Windy City.

    Kthxbye,
    Steph

  2. Camels & Chocolate June 20, 2011 at 11:00 PM #

    Dear McPolish,

    I will gladly drink a Blue Moon with you while on a treadmill outdoors on the Lakefront Path in Chicago any ol’ time. No one will be inviting the menstrual cramps, however; they can stay at home.

    xo,
    McCamel

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