Dear Capital Weather Gang,
I’m writing to inform you of something very important.
Despite the fact that collectively, among the members of your gang there are tens of years of schooling under your belts, along with twenties of years of experience in reading meteorological maps and systems, and despite all points to the contrary (this being January and all), we will not be getting any snow this winter.
And no, this is not a slam or snarky reference in any way to The Storm that Wasn’t last week that bypassed DC completely, and instead decided to engage New York and Philly in a battle of snowdrifts.
And I’m not writing this to ask you to take me on a whim or to just “trust me” on this one because I’ve got a “feeling” that things just seem “snowless” this winter. No, no, I have a cold, hard, guarantee we will not get any snow this winter, and we will certainly not have another Snowpocolypse like we did last year. And that guarantee is this:
I now own snow boots.
Last year, if you’ll remember, when the skies dumped so much snow on the area a snowplow broke down on the street in front of The Swede’s house, we took to relieving our stir-craziness through gin, baking, and walks through the blanketed neighborhood.
Now, the gin and baking pretty much take care of themselves. But the walking was another issue, seeing as how it meant trudging through three feet of snow, and I owned neither snow boots nor snow pants. I sucked it up on the pants issue, and went old school on the boots, improvising my way to dry feet, not wanting the getting out of the house to be a pipedream of an idea.
And then came Alaska, where they wear nothing BUT snow boots and grizzly bear furs all year long. I borrowed boots from Captain Deb, then bid the boots goodbye before I hopped the plane back to the Mid-Atlantic.
After all of that, I kept thinking to myself that I should get me some of those snow boots. You know. Just in case.
So for Christmas, I carefully perused the L.L. Bean catalogue, picked out the pair I wanted, passed the information to my mom, and then pretended to be surprised on Christmas morning when I opened up a pair of wool-lined zip boots, size 9.
I wore the boots pretty much every day from the time I got them until we got back to DC. Because of course, before I got them, Chicago had a few inches of snow fall. (Once I had them in my possession, no more snow fell.) It also averaged 12 degrees, at which point I wanted to shake the hand of the person who invented wool lining.
But now that my boots and I are back in DC, Capital Weather Gang, you can put away your snow charts and your Farmers Almanacs, because there will be no snow.
I’m prepared for a blizzard.
Therefore we will have nothing but dry skies.
It’s not a theory (conspiracy or otherwise) that I have, it’s just the cold, hard facts of my life: If I am prepared, the preparation will be in vain. To the opposite end, if I’m not prepared, well, obviously we got the answer to the question of what happens then last February. (Similarly, “unpreparedness” also answers the question of why I did so poorly in Honors World History my freshman year of high school. And consequently, why I now know appallingly little about World History. Though I can at least tell you that many historical world events? ALSO HAPPENED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE UNPREPARED.) (Ergo, I am living history.) (Wait…what?) (Nevermind.)
I’m sorry to take your jobs away from you, Capital Weather Gang, and I’m sorry to disappoint school children everywhere who were looking forward to a snow day. (Though to their parents: You’re welcome.) Think of this not as me usurping your power as Weatherpeople, but as me giving you a gift, the gift of time. Now that you can rule out any semblance of snow for this winter, you’ll have LOADS of free time on your hands. Think of all the books you can read! Or you could learn to make flan! Think of the vacations you can take—especially since you won’t have to worry about flight delays at Reagan due to snow! Though it is true you’ll now have to head out to Colorado or maybe up to Vermont if you want to partake of any skiing. Sorry ‘bout that. But what can I do? I didn’t ask for this power to control the weather, it was just bestowed upon me.
So if you wouldn’t mind, help me out in alerting the DC Metro area about this change in weather conditions for the next few months. I’ll try getting on the local news and calming the public fears about another snowtastrophe, and you guys should run something in that paper of yours.
Let’s use our collective weather powers for good, Capital Weather Gang.