I never get mail at work. Rarely. Rarely. And even then it’s a flyer for an event that happened two weeks prior, or some type of quarterly newsletter that someone wants me to report on that has absolutely nothing to do with my job. Like Jordan almonds.
So imagine my surprise when last week I got a letter in the mail from the National Conference of Bar Examiners.
I stared at the envelope for awhile, as I am wont to do when I receive a piece of mail from a sender with no seeming correlation to me, peering at it, and then waved it around aimlessly in the air for awhile, thinking that might help me figure out why the National Conference of Bar Examiners was sending me mail.
Turns out, it helps if you, you know, open the mail, at which point all is explained.
“The National Conference of Bar Examiners prepares character and fitness reports on applicants seeking admission to the bar or a limited license to practice law,” it read at the top. “The Conference has been requested to prepare a report on CAPTAIN KLEIN, who is submitting an application to Wyoming.”
Question 1: How long have you known the applicant?
12 years, going on lucky 13.
Question 2: Under what circumstances have you known the applicant?
Many several circumstances. First, it was life in the Eternal City while living in a hotel staffed by insane Italians, followed by a year of being under the influence of a women’s college, which led to a tumultuous three years as therapist/patient circumstances as the above named applicant attended law school and the respondent to this letter (that would be me) had to talk said applicant off a motherfucking ledge every three days. And then there was JAG. Don’t even get me started, because that circumstance alone would….oh, wait, what? I only need to check a box?
□ teacher □ business □ acquaintance □ other_______
ü other Close friend
Question 3: From your personal knowledge, do you believe the applicant’s reputation with respect to honesty, trustworthiness, diligence, and reliability to be good?
I paused here and texted Captain Deb.
Me: I got a form thingy from some national bar people who want me to tell them if I think you are honest and trustworthy and diligent and shit. I’m not sure how to respond.
Captain Deb: Improvise.
Me: Good call. I’ll leave out the bit about our trip to Denver.
Question 4: Do you unequivocally recommend that the applicant be admitted to the bar?
Dear God, YES. You never know when I’m going to need a lawyer in Wyoming.
**ADDITIONAL COMMENTS (Use an additional page if necessary.)
You know what? I think it’s best if we just leave it at this.