the snow of doom is no match for biscuits

7 Feb

So, hey, did you hear?

DC got shit on with snow this weekend!

Sorry, that was a bit crass, wasn’t it?

M’bad. This is what happens when you are stuck inside because of so many feets and inches of snow even the snow plow gets stuck.

Because this area? This area sees snow like this once in a decade.

Or not.

Whatever. The point is, while I did manage to get out and take a walk through the snowy, snowy lanes earlier, I’ve spent the majority of the time indoors because, well, there is just no other place to go.

What that has to do with me swearing like a goddamned sailor, umm….yeah, I’m not so sure.

Who cares?

I made biscuits!

I saw this recipe on Tasty Kitchen the other day, and let me tell you, I thought it looked divine. So when I hit the Safeway on my lunch hour the other day to stock up on whatnots for THE SNOW OF DOOM, I got the ingredients I needed to make these, as I knew I’d also be making a big old pot of turkey chili. Because nothing says 16,000 feet of snow and stir crazy like chili.

Ta-daaaa!

And jazz hands.

Or maybe jazz hands just say “crazy.”

Either/or.

Do you know that I’ve never made biscuits before? I mean, ones that are not from a can? It’s true! And frankly, I find them a little intimidating. I have no idea why. Maybe because there is always so much pressure to make a biscuit that is not just good, but awesome. Because biscuits? They can only go one of two ways: lovely and delicious, or hard as a fucking hockey puck. And while I love hockey, I don’t want to gnaw on a circle of…whatever hockey pucks are made out of. Anyway, I figured since I’d already finished watching my Netflix of Glee, I may as well give biscuit-making a go. It was time. (Let’s just forget about the fact that we’d already eaten the chili, as at the time I was too hungry to make the biscuits to go along with it. So these ended up being dessert biscuits. Kinda.) (Or something.) (Whatever.) (Don’t judge me.)

Since I wasn’t cooking in my home kitchen and hadn’t printed out the recipe beforehand, I, A) got to use a groovy Kitchen Aid mixer, which I am always a fan and fond of, and 2) had to jigger my usual set up so it looked something like this:

It turns out, biscuits are surprisingly easy to make. I’m not really sure what I was freaking out about. I’ll just blame it on the weather. The snow-crazies. Yeah….that’s it.

So throw the flour and baking powder and salt in the mixing bowl, then dice up cold butter and throw it in there with it, mixing until it’s the size of peas. While the mixer is doing its thing, I highly recommend having a gimlet.

And if you’re feeling frisky, maybe sing along to some Modest Mouse or Pavement, or whatever you happen to have on hand.

It can’t hurt.

In fact, I think it actually helps. I think the biscuit dough likes it when you sing to it. At the very least, if you sing to it, it won’t threaten to kick you out of the car like my friend Beh Beh does when I sing to her.

After you mix that up, you add a buttermilk/beaten egg combo to the dry ingredients and mix some more.

And then here is where the snow-crazies really get to me, and I go a bit wild. WILD! I say. Remember earlier, when I went to the Safeway? Apparently there was a run not only on milk, eggs, lean meats and toilet paper, there was also a run on jalapenos. Had I needed mini-Japanese eggplants I would have been set. But jalapenos, I was totally shit out of luck.

But

I had green onions that I’d forgotten to use in the chicken dish I’d made the other night, and if you think cheddar cheese and onions don’t go together like peas and carrots then you are a fucking moron.

What?

Sorry.

Snow-crazies. They bring out the sailor-mouth in me. Well, more so than usual.

Instead of slicing and dicing a jalapeno, I sliced and diced some green onions.

I threw that into the dough with some cheddar cheese and called it a day.

Okay, I didn’t really call it a day, but I did turn out the dough on the counter, kneaded it and rolled it out. And now is the point in our story where I reiterate that math is not my strong suit. And sometimes neither is reading. Because had a read the directions, I would have read that I was supposed to have rolled the dough out to a square of about 10 by 5 inches. Though even if I had read that part, there is no way I would have even made a close guesstimate of what that size would look like. The only way I would have gotten it is with a ruler, which, wouldn’t you know, I did not have on hand. Which clearly means only one thing.

Back to the gimlets!

In the end, when the rolling was through, this is the size I ended up with:

Which, to me, looked a little thin on some squares, so I pressed a couple together to make them a little thicker. Throw them on a baking sheet and throw ‘em in the oven.

Now, the directions say pump up the heat to 425 on the oven, but I thought that was a bit much. The first batch got way too brown on the top from the egg wash and high heat and browning cheese, so for the last few I dropped the heat down to about 375, left off the egg wash, and cooked them for only 15 minutes rather than 20. I think, had I had my math proportions better, ergo the biscuits were a little thicker, it would have all gelled nicely. Alas, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do when she’s stuck in the house because of a Snowpacolypse.

Voila!

Cheddar-onion biscuits.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do hot laps around the living room and wonder how it is possible for a swamp to turn into the motherfucking Alps in less than 24 hours.

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2 Responses to “the snow of doom is no match for biscuits”

  1. Swede February 7, 2010 at 11:27 AM #

    You have revealed to the interwebs that state of specialness that is my fridge! Now everyone will know I support Obama!

  2. Cassie February 8, 2010 at 10:21 AM #

    That kitchenaide mixer is sweet. Orange is almost as cool as my blue one.

    Almost.

    Those biscuits look DELICIOUS. Please move back to Chicago, but to the northwest ‘burbs, so I can partake in some of your kitchen shenanigans. After the onion goggles, its the least you could do. 🙂

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