Glad to see that you’ve finally arrived, moseying into life one week past your due date. If this is the start of how it’s going to be—you showing up when you feel you’re ready, disregarding the fact that we have been WAITING for quite some time now—we’re going to have to fix that right quick. As the kids these days no longer say, homie don’t play that. Don’t make chronic lateness a habit; this is the first lesson you must learn.
And you should know that you have some big shoes to fill, coming into this world, usurping the position of Baby of the Family that I have proudly held for the past 30 years. Size 8 ½, sometimes a size 9, to be exact. 9 ½ if they’re running shoes. I will always be my own mother’s Princess Baby, but you, you are the Little Prince of the whole family. It’s a large title for such a little boy, barely two days old, but I have faith that you will do well. Focus on winning over the grandparents, and you’re golden. Grandma will be easy to win over. In fact, she’s already won. You haven’t even had to do anything except get born and she’s already pouncing on any opportunity to fling herself at your baby feet. Grandpa, on the other hand, may seem a little tougher, may seem like a gruff grizzly bear, but don’t be fooled, he’s really quite like a big teddy bear. Just don’t run around in his house, and don’t block the television when he’s watching football or basketball, and don’t yell, “JESUS CHRIST!” in front of him, because those are things he doesn’t like. Other than that, you’re on easy street, because he’s pretty enamored with you already as well.
Really, all you have to do is lay there all swaddled and looking brilliant and the entire family, myself included, swoons over you. Well, maybe not your dog, who probably will not take the usurpation of his baby position quite so well. So watch out for Toby, but don’t worry, he’ll come around. Especially when you start eating solid foods and he realizes there is a point to you, and that point is Human Food Flinger.
There’s a lot more to being Baby of the Family, but we won’t get into it right now. I’ll let you rest since moving day appears to have exhausted you.
Welcome to the world, Duncan, we are so, so glad you are here. We love you more than you know.