As I type this, I am participating in my first Fantasy Football draft.
I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
I wasn’t so much one for research, even though my fellow participants urged us to mock draft once or twice or obsessively and another friend of mine said, “get one of those magazines.” And there is a lot of talk about charts and sheets and cards and lions and tigers and bears and whatnot. I mock-drafted once, earlier today, during which one of the other participants in the mock draft got so fed up with my draft picks s/he (it’s the interwebs! Cloak of sexual anonymity!) left the draft room. I believe what s/he typed into the conversation box at the bottom was, “what? devin hester? this is a waste of my mock-time!” Whatever, dude, I’m still high on Hester’s catch and return for a touchdown in the Super Bowl a few years ago. Suck it.
Why is everyone picking running backs? Huh. Maybe my first pick should be a running back. I was going to make my first pick Peyton Manning. He’s consistently good. Plus, I really like his commercials. They crack me up!
Whoops…my turn. Peyton Manning it is! He is my first round draft pick!
We’re doing a snake draft, and since I’m the 9th slot I don’t get a lot of time in between my first two picks. So for pick #2, let me just check my Fantasy Football cheat sheets, here….hmmm….let’s go with a running back this time. Looks like #3 on the list, Steven Jackson, has not yet been picked, so guess what, Steve-O, you’re on the McPolish Posse now! Woop! Woop!
OMG…I can’t believe I’m actually jotting down notes. But I have to! I don’t want all my players to have the same bye week, do I? That can’t be good!
Running backs and wide receivers….Christ, there are just so many of them! How am I supposed to keep them all straight? At this point (Round #….umm….I have no idea…) all I want is that the little note next to their name doesn’t tell me they have some sort of injury. Is that too much to ask?
…..this is at least somewhat more logical than how I pick my Derby horses, which is by name only…..
Sweet! I now have the Manning brothers as my #1 and #2 QBs. This will be a high-LAR-ious season….
I should totally be looking at my next picks. Instead, I am balancing my checkbook.
I think I still need more running backs. Or maybe wide receivers. Hmmm….according to this thing DeSean Jackson looks…..shit. Someone else just drafted him. CURSE YOU!
I’m trying to draft as few people from teams that are my nemeses/archrivals as I possibly can. Which means I’m staying away from Packers, Ravens, and Redskins. The Packers because they are the archrivals of my Bears, and the Ravens and the Redskins because OH MY GOD THEY ALWAYS SCREW UP TRAFFIC ON THE BELTWAY. And you know how much I detest sitting in traffic. Plus their fans are just obnoxious. Despite my careful planning, however, I think a couple of GBers and Skins have landed on my roster.
Cass just asked me if I have a thing for the Manning boys. My response: “Duh.”
I seem to remember guy friends of mine getting really super drunk for their Fantasy Football drafts. Does that help them pick better? Because now we’re in round #712, and are picking through the lesser-knowns. Jesus Christ Almighty, how many guys ARE there in the NFL? And where is some water and can you turn it into wine for me?
Trent Edwards? John Carlson? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE I JUST DRAFTED?
Last pick, D/ST….which I’m told has something to do with Special Teams, yes? Yes. I have New England. Fine, I’ll take them. DON’T LET ME DOWN, YOU G-D PATSIES.
I just realized I only have one kicker. I really, really hope he doesn’t get injured. Otherwise I will be fuuuuuuuuccccked.
Well, shit. It’s over. Here’s how my roster landed:
McPolish Posse Starters
QB Peyton Manning
RB Steven Jackson
RB Derrick Ward
RB/WR Ahmad Bradshaw
WR TJ Houshmandzadeh
WR Donald Driver
TE Sean Ryan
K Stephen Gostkowski
QB Eli Manning
WR Devin Hester
WR Derrick Mason
WR Josh Morgan
TE John Carlson
QB Trent Edwards
WR Joey Galloway
Are you ready for some football? I am ready for some football.